Sunday is all I have for my daughter, and that's the only WHOLE day I can observe and attend to her. And most of the time, she spends her weekends with her grandparents. Though I have time for her on weekday nights, but she is much more behaved on those nights because she knows that she has little time with me. Its Sundays when I get to really know my daughter, how she behaves on a normal day, and her regular routine. Lucky are the single moms who have their parents to look after their kids while they are away working because they get assurance that someone will do the discipline for them. But for me, I only have Mikay's yaya, who only follows what my daughter asks her to do, and is too young to even know how to discipline a child. As a result, my daughter does what she wants, eat what she wants, and go where ever she wants, well most of the time.
So last Sunday afternoon, it was so obvious in Mikay's eyes that she was already sleepy. I bathed her, fed her, and was about to put her to sleep when she started acting such a brat. I didn't want to get mad because that's the only time I have with her so I carried her, and really insisted for her to sleep. Mikhaila has this habit of calling out her Lola or her yaya whenever she doesn't get what she wants from me. And as I was carrying her, she kept repeating the phrase " I wish Mommy was not here ", she repeated so many times, and for a mom like me who is trying so hard, working 6 days a week to be a good provider, feeling so guilty of not being the stay at home mom who takes care of her 24/7, I BROKE DOWN.
It was as if I was being stabbed directly through my heart. I didn't know that it would be that painful. That's when I snapped. I shouted, asked her to go down, I lock myself in my room and just cried. And after a few minutes, as I needed to be an adult, I got up and pretended to be strong once again, and went down. There was my daughter lying on my Daddy, and so I just kept quiet the whole time, and my daughter kept calling me "mom" and patiently waited for me to acknowledge her. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, but I chose to be quiet because I didn't want to utter words that I would later on regret. My dad on the side was scolding me for being so harsh on her, telling me that I have to be patient with my daughter especially now that I have less time with her and that I am the only parent she has. So my dad asked me to talk to her inside the room and explain everything, and so I did.
But as I was explaining, I couldn't help but cry even though I knew that I should never let her see me in that state. I felt so guilty for being so emotionally weak. With all the wrong things that is going on in my life, I hold on to my daughter for strength. And hearing her say that to me is like turning off the only light that is keeping me out of the darkness. So my little lady and I had a heart to heart talk, and even if I knew she's too young to understand, I feel as if I owe her an explanation.
The following day, it seems like everything has sink into my daughter because she kept telling me that she does not have any gift for me on Father's day, yes that right, on Father's day. And I think that she feels it whenever I am down because she would randomly face me and tell me not to cry even if I was not crying infront of her.
So last night my daughter made a drawing of me and her. This is her way of saying sorry. And I asked her why she gave me a drawing, she said " Because I love you, and I promise I will not say that again to you, so Mommy don't cry na ha."
I feel so guilty for not having so much time with her. Its like I'm missing out on things and I feel like I'm not doing my job as her mom. My greatest fear is that my daughter would grow up a brat or worse, rebellious because I was not there to discipline her and give her the complete attention that her age needs.But seeing her so sweet, thoughtful and understanding makes me feel otherwise.
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